“Can I choose where to go?” This is the question our 7-year old daughter asked when coming home from school. Her white father with good intentions answered that in America they would believe that she is black but that in Britain she would been seen as a mix of him and her black mother.
This was early 2015 when we were working in the US for a few years. Much has changed and not for the better. Our now 11-year old is confused, our 9-year old son is scared of the police and our 7-year old has seen violence from police used against people who look like her. They all believe they are black in Britain – no longer feeling the uniqueness and pride of a mixed heritage but feeling fear and concern at what they will face on a daily basis.
We purposely shielded our children, leaving them naïve of some of the cruelness as adults we faced. Over the last three years this is no longer an option. As a white man their father believed that kindness and compassion would continue to be stronger than otherness and selfishness. There is the real naivety.
Our children have been asked by other children about their skin colour, where they come from and had their hair touched in fascination weekly by other children who seemingly have not experienced others who do not look like them before. Our only joy is our youngest proclaiming that she is an American as she was born there; she is quick however as a 7-year old to distance herself from “the Donald”.
Innocence seems dead.
How do you prepare children to face a lifetime of racism?
Back in 2014 we had taken the path of celebrating our diverse heritages of Kenya, Britain and USA. This meant we told them about the kings and queens of Britain, slavery, scientific achievements, space travel, democracy, singing, dancing, wildlife of the world and architecture of different continents.
As the level of hate began to increase, when people for the first started looking at us holding hands as an interracial couple, we started the painful conversations: don’t run if a police officer is coming towards you, cross your wrists and hold them out to show you are not holding anything. Don’t wear your hoodie up on a dark night.
“Did we do the right thing having kids?” This was a discussion we had at this time, it was not a real discussion as both of us wanted children and loved each of them for everything they are. The discussion was how could we have brought them into this world where they are going to face words and actions that will continue to hurt them.
We have burdened our children with race, they live it, breath it, feel it and experience the hateful words and actions aimed at them. We shielded them for as long as we could. To give them the joy of being human first and a colour second; we have guilt that we did that.
As parents we have lived in middle-class areas, surrounded by white privileged people not the loud – brash – proud black people. Have we made a mistake trying to get the best education, youth services and opportunities we can for our children? If we had surrounded them with black lives we would not have had that as the investment in black community areas is always lower. It is not a debate, you can look for exceptions but it remains a fact that less money exists in black communities and the only way to “do better” in Britain is to be “whiter”.
So the choice is teach our children act “white” to get chance of financial security or act “black” to have access to a safe-space where they won’t face a micro-, socially acceptable, aggressions.
Our children have this burden, they will live with it all their lives. The choices as parents is to prepare them for the world of today not our hope for the future. We have to prepare them to be asked “is this really your work” in interviews for jobs as “black people are not that clever or creative”. We have to prepare them for the justice system to assume they are aggressive and naturally criminal, something grandfathered into the system from slavery and reinforced throughout society – don’t join the ‘Dark Side’ Luke.
What does the future hold?
Once we were optimistic. We want to be still but with bitterness and sadness having built up we are more realistic now.
It is the struggle of each generation to make society better for the next. To change the potential outcomes so that each and every person can be recognised and rewarded regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation or belief-system. This feels to not have happened with the generation before ours. Things feel worse, look like they have slid back towards division and hatred their parents struggled to defeat.
Realistically the future for our children, if that is true, is that will have the same experiences we did but only if we struggle to change society. If black, brown and white people do nothing, say nothing, things will not get better. It is about Black Lives Matter as White Lives already matter and Brown lives are treated better than Black lives.
Can we do better. Yes. Will we? I don’t know, I fear no.
In the meantime we need to teach our son to not fear the police, for our daughter that it is okay to object to being called a monkey and for our youngest to tell the teachers when children tell her that her mother is “made from shit”. All these have happened since 2016 – in each case as parents we have felt the burden and struggled with friends, colleagues and teachers to increase their understanding of why any of this is unacceptable… why we expect more from them.
We expect more. Do you?
This is written by my partner and all credit to him on sharing his experience.
Black in the Shire 