Racial hatred formed into strings of intelligible words – these are in the ears of most if not all people of colour at some point.
Free speech, self-expression, freedom to form an opinion and all that, is the argument this turns into once those words are retold to caring and uncaring ears.
To those who don’t receive these words in these contexts, they always seem shocked and I think they wonder how they would react. When they engage you, it is out of sympathy and pity – it is from a kind place but you can’t help but feel the pity.
Being a victim
Now you have been a victim, not once but twice because of one incident.
When you heard those words, you probably kept moving, kept going, put your head down a little more – because only the most defiant among us would stop and dare the mouth that utters the hate to repeat it.
You know to look down because you know from experience and from having it told to you by your parents who lived their own version of it, not to cause any trouble.
Being an outsider
How can confronting someone’s hate cause trouble – the trouble is in the implicit threat of violence in those comments. The trouble is in being an outsider to a system that institutionalises discrimination/bias.
The trouble is the implicit threat of being further ostracised by the system for pointing out a failing. The problem is the worry that you would be left standing alone, defending yourself against a crime perpetrated on you.
In my world, I have yet to encounter an explicit threat of violence based on my race – for that I am thankful. I don’t often encounter overt racism.
Microaggressions
But I do encounter micro-aggressions on a day to day basis. They chip away at you and then when you do encounter overt racism – you are depleted and you feel forced into a corner and have to come out fighting.
All the hard work you put into becoming a sober socially moderated ‘person’ blending into the ‘culture’ that surrounds you can go out of the window in that one instant when you become described as ANGRY.
Suddenly your arguments on race issues are seen as irrational. All the moderation you did, however level headed you played it, on that day when your reserves of keeping on moving and persevering are depleted, so will your arguments.
So, what do I want to say to many friends who want to support me in this in anyway?
Anger
Anger is an appropriate response. To set a different bar for responses to abuse/threats made against me because of my race is to set a different standard for me. Expecting a reasoned description and argument is racially biased.
Be outraged with me, I am the victim but not of that one perpetrator but of systems of oppression – your voice is many times louder than mine, use it – defend me, hug me, vote and please, please do not keep talking about a colour-blind world/ a post-racial world – that is a utopia – and it is not the one I live in.
I wrote this in January 2017 after having abuse shouted at me as I walked through town. It feels as relevant now as it was then.
Black in the Shire 